Hi there, allow me to introduce myself: my name, as the “doctors” call me, is Anorexia; my full name is Anorexia Nervosa but my friends just call me Ana. You can call me Ana: I’ll be investing a lot of time into our friendship, and you need to do the same.
You’ve probably heard your “friends”, parents, teachers talking about you.. “So mature,” “So intelligent,” “14 going on 40.” Can I just say, as your friend, where is that getting you? I want what’s best for you, and these people saying these things isn’t going to matter in a year’s time so listen:
Unfortunately, you’re not perfect, you’re not pretty, you don’t try hard enough, you lack self control and you’re wasting your life coasting. If we’re going to be friends, you need to get your act together.
Those other “friends” of yours? I’m pretty sure they don’t understand you like I do. They’re not truthful to you: when you ask “Does this outfit make me look fat?” and they tell you “Of course not!” -they were lying. Because they wanted to tell you what you wanted to hear. I will tell you truth. You can trust me. Your parents? The love you, sure. They care about you, probably. But when you think about it… they’re mostly doing it because they have to. I don’t have to care about you, but I do.
I expect alot from you, this friendship will be hard (but oh so worth it): you can’t eat much- we’ll start slowly of course, restricting and cutting down on the evil food. Then we’ll get you exercising: running is good, crunches and squats, jumping jacks are amazing. You’ll drop a few pounds, easily. Great, you can have that amazing feeling of seeing a lower number on the scales.
But it won’t be good enough.
It’s not easy to impress me, you see.
I expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I’m going to push you to the limit. And you’ll do it because otherwise I won’t be your friend anymore: I’ll leave you feeling empty and alone. I’m inside your mind. I’m with you when you wake up in the morning, I’m there looking at your number on the scale, I’m looking at you with disgust when you reach for that cookie, I’m smiling at you when you choose the diet soda over the regular one, I’ll be next to you when we look into the mirror, we can poke at your fat and stroke my delicate bones: you’ll get here too one day. It’s okay, I can deal with the hard stuff for you, because you are slowly becoming me.
As you get better at being my friend, you’ll sit straighter, you’ll suck in that fat stomach and hide those wobbling thighs. When mealtimes come around I’ll help you, I’ll keep you strong. I’ll be in the back of your mind telling you to look at those skinny girls on the screen, in the magazines, in the stores. You’ll be a perfect friend for me when you look like them.
When you rebel, and stuff your fat face, I’ll watch you. I’ll stare at you with shock and disgust. I’ll send you away from me, you’re disgusting. I’ll introduce you to my sister, Mia. But you’ll always come back to me, you have to: because you’re desperate to match up to me.
I’ll drive you mad: you’re not going to be as beautiful as me, I’ll command you to rap your knuckles against your head, to punch at yourself with anger and hatred, I’ll instruct you to hold the flame to your skin long enough for the heat to leave a mark, I’ll make you drag that razor, those scissors, I’ll make you drag them so s-l-o-w-l-y across your skin, I’ll make you grateful for the pain: It’s an emotional release. You’re bleeding out the evil.
Oh and one more thing, you’re not allowed to tell anyone about me. I chose you and you alone. If you try to fight me, all hell will break lose. Nobody is going to crack the hard shell I have created around you. You’re going to be so thin, so perfect, so lovely. You need me. So don’t fight back. When people comment, Ignore them, distract them, talk about other things. Take it on the chin, forget them all, resist anyone and anything that tries to take you away from me.
I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.